A letter to the guy from the Blue App

 Honestly, I'm not ready to definitely write it here but I have to.. 

        | tw: self-harm, suicidal ideation

It was a tragically gloomy night on the 18th of October last year.  I am facing various internal problems in my life.  I remember that time I sat in the corner of the room, crying, screaming, with a knife in my hand. Occasionally, I scratch my hands with the knife. While sobbing, I don't know what I was thinking that night other than wanting to end my poor life. Then I went and took my cellphone which was on my desk. I opened the 'blue app', it was a platform that people used to pour out their hearts on.  'tweet' that's what it's called.

At that time with very mixed circumstances, I wrote something on that platform. 

"What if I die, and all the answers are here."

it was late at night, I was still staring at my phone screen while replying to some messages from my friends.  however, still I was crying.  but I don't think it's necessary to tell them.

A few moments later, my phone’s notification popped up again. This time it came from that blue app. (I rarely want to open notifications from that app). An incoming message. Yes, it is from you. I forgot when was the last time we had an online convo, but that night, you suddenly texted me and asked how I was doing. I don't know if that's a good sign because after I sent a sad tweet it turns out that someone cares about me? (whatever it is, I hope you mean it out of concern). I replied to the message trying to explain that I was not okay. I am not okay. (I needed a friend to hear me out at that time actually). The conversation went on, at least that night. I remember I asked you, "Have you ever thought about killing yourself?" and you sent me in a long paragraph. In essence, what I was thinking at that time, you have already thought about it and you have already gone through it, you told me no matter how bad life we live in, we still go through this because we all have that inevitability. it takes time to heal, you said. it might sounds a lil bit cliché, but you were able to make me survive a little (at least that night). After the long paragraph you sent, you asked me to promise to stay alive. You asked me to hold on. You said you believed all of these would probably pass and you believed that I could get through my hardest times and find my happiness.

Im not the type of girl who genuinely has along conversation to offend my personal problems with everyone, even just replying to their messages feels so heavy for me. Moreover, what I faced was a guy from out of nowhere. 

trusting in men means the same as giving them the opportunity to lie with me, i know most of them were big liars.  But somehow, I trust you.

The next morning continued. It was the first time in my life I felt like a new person. I felt that I must rise, though the feeling of gloom was still evident on my face. But I know that I have to keep going.

We continued the conversation last night, despite during the day the text wasn't as intense as it was at night. Well, maybe the reason is that we had our own things to prioritize. Long story short, in the same month. I decided to go out of the town for a while with my friend. I remembered  that along the way of the road you 'accompanied me'. we talked a lot. There was no other feeling that could describe me on that day other than being completely comfortable.

as i said, it's hard for me to trust someone, but in you I believe, I believed in you. Even in your stories, even tho I cannot be sure what if it is not the truth. The first time we spoke on the phone at night when I was in the hotel alone, somehow hearing your voice just gave me a safe place, until I didn't even know what to talk about. During the call, we had a few moments of silence before we finally continued the conversation. You probably do that too often with others, especially when you say that you has a gf. It took me a bit by surprise.  But you know that it's rare for me to respond a guy like you, right? It was very odd to me, even tho I basically had a lot of "men" surrounded. But you, with you, somehow I feel safe. somehow, I feel fine,  even when I know there’s a lie that you hide from me, but I force myself to keep believing you. I still don't understand why I trusted you that much.

I saw a sign that we were going to be strangers again  before it actually ended in November last year. such a short month. The words that I always remember are during the last call. We literally talked like drunken people with a bottle of red wine in our hands and accompanied by a typical late night atmosphere. I was really scared  that we were going too far, even though I know you don't have that kind of prejudice.  On the other hand, I'm also scared that my comfort is just an illusion. I just don't want know if we will return to being strangers. All of sudden it’ll definitely happen. Suddenly, on that last call, you or I, who became everything, just stopped. I don't know, but we both said the same kind of word as a 'good bye' before everything finally ended and you hung up on the last call.

Sometimes I ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why do everyone suddenly leaving me so quickly? 

So I am writing this for you with the bottom of my heart. I want to thank you for being there in my difficult times. Thank you for hearing (almost) of my pathetic life. Thank you for making me believe that a stranger like you still caring me. Thank you for the comfort that ,I, myself, also don't know when will i get it again. But the point of it all is, I'm sorry if I'm not the person or friend you're actually looking for. Sorry if your arrival is not the right time when I'm in a mental stage, was not stable.  Sorry because I can't be your good ‘internet’ friend. 

tbh my whole life, I'm glad cause I found a good friend like you on this very chaotic internet. Although I do not know it might be normal for you, maybe in this world, if I am still given a long life. I would really like to meet you in that city to just say thank you for existing. But I know I never could. In fact, the life we live is not as beautiful as what we watch in a movie, or what we read in a book, or what kind of music we hear.  It's hard to accept that life is not as beautiful as what we dreamed of when we were on a swing when we’re little. But for some reason, we're able to create our own way of life and depend on what we encounter during the process. And you, the guy who I met from the 'blue app'.  I promise, I won't let myself drag on the sadness again. Then let me write to you here so that I will no longer fight the contents in my own mind. I just don't really want us to return of being strangers even  in reality we are literally strangers.

regardless of who will read this or even no one, I write this letter with a pure heart of my own sentimentality. so I beg, if you are reading this, please don't hold grudges against me.